Cold Calling and Networking Are Not for Me. To My Younger Self: You Do Not Need That Book
Over the weekend, I decided to get rid of some old books that had accumulated in my room.
The technical books I bought years ago had naturally passed their expiration dates.
That is unavoidable in IT. Something that was cutting-edge a few years ago may now prompt little more than, “Oh yes, that used to exist.” Once a technical book becomes obsolete, there is not much to do except throw it away.
The real problem was a different category of book sitting beside them.
Self-help books.
And not just one or two.
“Did I really buy all of these?”
As I flipped through them, another question occurred to me.
What on earth was I trying to become back then?
Was I Planning to Become an Insurance Salesperson?
From my current perspective, some of the advice was remarkably demanding.
“Invite a well-connected acquaintance to lunch.”
“The real work begins after someone says no.”
“Actively seek out new people.”
“Do not impose limits on yourself.”
The books continued in that vein for page after page.
No. I cannot do that.
Even now, I have no desire to invite a well-connected acquaintance to lunch simply because they might be useful.
Imagine contacting someone for no apparent reason:
“It has been a while. Would you like to have lunch sometime?”
Then, after they arrive, revealing that you actually wanted to discuss business.
If someone did that to me, I would become suspicious.
Cold calling would be even more impossible.
Opening the door of an unfamiliar company and trying to sell a product nobody asked for makes me want to go home just thinking about it.
I have been an engineer for many years.
Why was someone like me so earnestly reading advice better suited to an insurance representative or a commission-based real estate salesperson?
I no longer know.
Then I Found a Book About NLP
Deeper inside the bookshelf, I even found a book about NLP—Neuro-Linguistic Programming.
NLP is an approach that attempts to use language and patterns of thought to improve communication and personal change. For a time, it became quite popular in the self-help world.
Finding that book made me laugh.
I must have been deeply anxious back then.
Technical skill was not enough.
I needed communication skills.
I needed sales ability.
I needed to build a network.
I even needed to change the way I thought.
I was probably trying to fill every gap I could find.
In an RPG, raising every stat makes a character stronger.
Unfortunately, human beings are not designed to work quite so conveniently.
Being Told to “Remove Your Limits” Does Not Help
Certain phrases have appeared in self-help books for decades.
“You are the one setting your own limits.”
“You cannot do it because you believe you cannot.”
“Step outside your comfort zone.”
“Remove your limits.”
When I was younger, those statements sounded reasonably persuasive.
As I have grown older, however, I have been forced to understand my own specifications.
The things I am good at.
The things I am bad at.
The things I can manage with enough effort.
The things that barely improve no matter how hard I try.
And the things I simply do not want to do.
I can now distinguish among them fairly well.
It is not that I am completely unable to speak in front of people. I can talk with clients normally when work requires it.
I can negotiate when necessary.
But that is not the same as approaching strangers and enthusiastically expanding my network.
Some people are excellent at cold calling.
Some can quickly become friends with anyone they meet.
Some attend a social event and leave connected on Facebook or LinkedIn with people who were complete strangers a few hours earlier.
I cannot do that.
And now I believe that is perfectly fine.
When I Was Young, I Tried to Become Someone Who Could Do Everything
Looking back, I think I believed that overcoming everything I was bad at would make me a more complete person.
Technically capable.
Good at sales.
Well connected.
A strong presenter.
Able to become friends with anyone immediately.
A natural leader.
I was trying to become the complete package.
But there was never any need to raise every ability above average.
Instead of spending an enormous amount of time improving a weakness from 40 points to 50, it is often better to turn a natural 70 into an 80 or 90.
Engineers have ways of competing that suit engineers.
We do not need to win work in exactly the same way as salespeople.
If networking is difficult, writing can help people get to know you.
If you hate inviting strangers to lunch, you can write a blog and allow them to find you instead.
That is the approach I would choose now.
Self-Help Books Do Not Turn People into Someone Else
As I disposed of my mountain of self-help books, I eventually reached one conclusion.
No matter how many self-help books people read, they do not become different people.
Immediately after reading one, you feel as though you have changed.
Tomorrow, I will wake up early.
I will actively talk to strangers.
I will have lunch with one new person every week.
I will leave my comfort zone.
A week later, everything returns to normal.
At least, that is what happened to me.
When you think about it, this is hardly surprising.
If reading 200 pages could easily change a person’s character, publishers would not need to keep producing such an enormous number of self-help books.
Today, I believe it is more practical to develop a strategy based on my actual personality than to force myself to become someone else.
If sales is difficult, I do not have to use the same methods as someone who is good at sales.
If networking is difficult, I can find another way for people to discover me.
Instead of trying to eliminate every weakness, I can ask how to compete while those weaknesses still exist.
That is much easier, and probably more powerful.
This time, I threw away almost all of the old self-help books.
My bookshelf looks much cleaner.
If I could say one thing to my younger self, it would be:
“You do not have to work so hard to remake yourself.”
Then again, he probably would not have listened.
He would most likely have bought another self-help book saying that the first step toward changing yourself is to stop being influenced by other people’s opinions.