Why Japan Has Long Had a Saying: “Courtesy Matters Even Among Close Friends”

I am now on my third lap around my parents’ house.

It is not that I wanted to go for a walk. I came here because I had something to take care of, but then I heard a familiar voice coming from behind the front door.

It belonged to an older woman from the neighborhood. She and my mother have been friends for many years.

I quietly turned around. Now I am circling the house while dictating this article into my phone.

It is not that I dislike her. If anything, I owe her a great deal.

When I was a child and my younger brother was born, she looked after me. We are close enough that she is practically family.

The problem is that once she catches me, the conversation lasts forever.

The small talk goes on and on, and she rarely lets me escape. She is also rather loud.

She means no harm. She has known me since I was a child, so she speaks to me without reserve. That probably reflects how close she feels to me.

But I am well into adulthood now. To be honest, being treated forever as the neighborhood kid is tiresome.

Why Does the Saying “Courtesy Matters Even Among Close Friends” Exist?

Japan has a proverb: shitashiki naka ni mo reigi ari—“Courtesy matters even among close friends.”

It means that no matter how close two people are, they must not forget courtesy and consideration for each other.

As I walked, a thought occurred to me.

If people have felt the need to repeat this proverb for generations, perhaps human beings are simply bad at showing restraint with those closest to them.

As people grow closer, the boundaries between them become blurred.

It becomes acceptable to say something slightly rude. Taking up the other person’s time no longer seems to matter. They are practically family, so there is no need to hold back.

That kind of presumption begins to creep in.

When you think about it, there is no shortage of people who treat strangers politely but casually say insensitive things to family members and close friends.

The greater the intimacy, the more courtesy disappears. That is probably why people in the past deliberately preserved this warning:

“Courtesy matters even among close friends.”

Then again, judging by the fact that this proverb has survived into the present day, humanity apparently has not solved the problem even after hundreds of years.

And Finally, I Go Inside

As I continued walking and thinking about this, I sensed that the woman had finally left.

At last, I could enter my parents’ house.

Still, there is something rather absurd about demanding courtesy from someone close to me while saying nothing to her directly and walking three laps around the house to avoid her.

Courtesy matters even among close friends. Then again, perhaps we need a proverb like this precisely because we cannot say it directly to the person concerned.

Well, I suppose it is time to go inside.