You Cannot Always Avoid the First Arrow, but You Do Not Have to Shoot the Second One Yourself

I have always had trouble letting go when something unpleasant happens.

Someone says something hurtful to me. I may get through the moment without reacting, but once I am home, I start thinking about it again.

“What was that tone supposed to mean?”

“I should have said this in response.”

I think about it in the bath. I think about it before bed. The next morning, I am still thinking about it.

For someone like me, the Buddhist teaching of the “two arrows” was very easy to understand.

The Buddha’s Two Arrows

Buddhism has a parable about two arrows.

As long as we are alive, we will be criticized, make mistakes, and sometimes be treated unfairly.

This is the first arrow.

We cannot avoid every first arrow.

The problem is what happens next.

“Why does this always happen to me?”

“I will never forgive that person.”

“If only I had acted differently.”

We replay the pain in our minds again and again.

This is the second arrow.

The first arrow comes from reality.

We shoot the second arrow at ourselves.

When I learned this, I felt as though it described exactly what I did every day.

The hurtful comment was made only once, but I replayed it dozens of times in my head.

The other person shot one arrow at me. I added the second, the third, and many more myself.

Observe Your Feelings Instead of Erasing Them

So how can we reduce the number of second arrows?

Buddhism does not simply tell us to suppress our feelings by saying, “Do not think about it,” or, “Do not get angry.” Instead, it teaches us to observe the feelings and thoughts that arise within us.

When anger appears, we notice:

“Anger is arising right now.”

When we think, “That person is wrong,” we notice:

“I am having that thought right now.”

Rather than becoming lost inside the emotion, we take a step back and look at it. In modern terms, this is close to metacognition.

I began trying this myself.

The anger does not disappear. But the experience changes from:

“I am angry,”

to:

“I can see myself getting angry.”

That difference is larger than it may seem.

Meditation Is Practice in Returning

Meditation is one way to practice this.

I used to think meditation meant emptying the mind.

But when I actually tried it, I found that I could not do that at all.

Even when I tried to clear my mind, thoughts about work and unpleasant memories from the past kept appearing.

So I would notice:

“Oh, I was just thinking about work.”

“Anger has appeared again.”

Then I would step back and observe it.

Soon, I would begin thinking about something else.

I would notice it and return again.

You notice that a thought has carried you away, and you return to observing it.

That repetition is the practice itself.

Stop Firing the Second Arrow Again and Again

Learning this idea did not make me immune to anger, no matter what anyone says to me.

I still get annoyed. I still feel discouraged when I fail.

The first arrow still hits me.

And before I know it, I am holding the second arrow and thinking:

“That person really is…”

But sometimes I can catch myself in that moment.

“Ah, I am about to shoot the second arrow.”

Once I notice it, I can step back and observe it again.

I do not need to become someone who never shoots a single second arrow.

I only need to stop firing them repeatedly.

We cannot live our lives avoiding every first arrow.

When I find myself holding on to something unpleasant, I remember this question I learned from Buddhism:

“Is this the first arrow, or am I shooting the second arrow at myself right now?”

Most of the problems I am still carrying at night are the second kind.

The first arrow already hurts enough.

There is no need to order extra pain for myself.